Just my thoughts

2. dubna 2017 v 20:43 | Blog o mém au pair životě |  Ostatní články
Sitting on a rock in a park watching people around and reading my new book. Why did I decide to write this in English? I might don't like someone who can't speak English to read it or I just found out that writing in English makes me more talkative and open to other people. It is really often hard to say something in your language if it is sensitive or it can hurt people so you just decide to say it in another language, you know. No matter what my reason was but I had just the feeling I should write it instead of thinking about it all the time. It might help other; it might help me to write it down or just because of a million reasons.

People ask me sometimes how could I be so positive thinking person? My answer is: Why not? I mean should I get it seriously and cry the nights out or should I take it the way it is and just go ahead and forget it? Any of those two ways is not good. Why? Because of two reasons! If you would cry it won't change anything at all, just taking it and forgetting it doesn't do it better either. You should know how it is, maybe you can't do anything about it, but you shouldn't erase it from your life. It makes you stronger, better and more positive thinking person!

Sometimes I know those eyes are watching me and I know its because I'm fat. Basically, I'm not fat but not size M like before but they don't have any idea what is going on in my head. That should be a metaphor but in the end, it is right. They can't see there is something wrong until they could see my MRI and I would like to scream that to some of them when I feel their stupid eyes staring at me. I won't help myself doing it anyway so I don't and I take it how it is.
On the other hand, it's kinda my fault. It is not because I couldn't move out of my bed for a long time after my operation so the jerk in my head is the reason but there is one more fault and it's my fault because I when I'm back from work in the evening I'm just tired so I don't go running or to the gym because I just would like to relax. My fault continues with the fact that I don't want to eat just salads. I mean, I eat normal food, no fried chicken every single day but I just don't know how long I'm staying so why should I concentrate on my food instead of enjoying the life as full as I can? The life is not just about the others. The jerk in my head is under the control at the moment so I'm like ok and healthy but who knows what can happen in future? Who knows how long could it take me to get over it or I might not get over that anytime so I'll be just myself until my day come.

Reading this book reminds me how many times I wanted to be "ok" and live "forever" because you just never know what could happen later. I don't have cancer, they say. I'm quite ok, they say. They just don't know if it is going to be like that forever or not and that's why they check me on a 2-year basis. Keep reading while people still staring at me and I would like to scream and shout them back that I just don't care how I look like because I didn't die those 6 years ago on the operation table but why would I do it, they don't have any idea. They don't stare at me but this is one of my paranoia after the operation. You will never get over some of those feelings like that you are actually afraid what can happen tomorrow or if it's still the same and you are still alive. You can't also get over the feeling that you are some kind of hard piece of shit for your parents because they went thru this crazy hard time with you and they are dead afraid of every headache you have and they keep telling you not to stress etc.

I know I went thru something but the worst of worst is to ask if I'm ok or if I need anything or if I'm sure I can do it. I love my parents, I love my friends but if you don't know I have this jerk in my head would you ask too? I bet you won't. It's nice but in a while, you just have a feeling you are some person who can't do anything on her own and that I feel disabled even I'm not. I appreciate asking but one question is enough; don't continue with more at one moment just because you know what happened to me and how it is. Trust me, if there would be something wrong that I could feel I would say it. I definitely don't want to go thru this crazy time at the ICU again if I don't have to. If I feel something is wrong I'll say because if it is I'm going to fight with that jerk in my head until I win that fight! And trust me, I'm going to win!

That is another thing after "surviving" or whatever you would like to call it. You just hear: Are you ok? or Do you feel ok? So often that it becomes one of your not to listen to sentences. While reading the book I think even as I don't have cancer and there is just this stupid brain tumor in my head (I know this small jerk is still there) you feel touched by it and have a feeling you have something in common. Some thoughts, some feelings, something similar goes thru your mind almost every single day while going to work, while working, while coming back from work and I would say it might be even while sleeping. Even if you are not alone, you feel alone because you just sometimes have the feeling none can understand you in a way you need it.
You also don't want to be a "backpack" for someone who needs to carry you all the way around because you feel you might not be worth it and if so you just don't want anyone to be the one. Even if they would like to you just don't want them to worry and maybe later "stayed" longer than you. And that's is my answer why I'm so positive and enthusiastic person. You never know what is going on tomorrow and when my day is here. I would love to know I saw what I wanted to see, I did what I wanted to do and it has to be as much as I can! You will never understand but now you know why I don't want to spend my time at work, doing the things that are "necessary" to do but things that I love to do and that makes me happy!

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1 Smithe996 Smithe996 | E-mail | Web | 12. března 2018 v 23:39 | Reagovat

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